phase of life

As this year of preschool comes to a close I can't believe how little I've accomplished on my to-do list for the year. I wanted to go through all the closets, the attic, the office, and get organized. I also wanted to get scrapbooks up to date. Now I have one more week, and nothing much to show for the year behind me. I did make long-overdue baby books for Sam and Syd, and my bedroom closet is pretty well sorted. My problem is that I have a hard time buckling down and doing loose, open-ended projects. I also have yet to get used to hanging around a quiet, empty house. I'm better at going to the gym, grocery shopping, and volunteering in the school. Bite-sized, on-the-go tasks.

I've been in a bit of an identity crisis. It's hard to explain. We heard that our elementary school might go to all-day kindergarten next year (Maia's first year at school!) and I felt thrown for a loop. It would mean I would have to face my future a year earlier than I thought--to figure out what I should be doing with that time. Believe me, I am not really disillusioned with a mirage of tons of free time. I know I'll still need to accomplish all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping--and I'm barely keeping up as it is. I'll just be doing all those things without my little Maia running circles around me, like a cyclone. It will be a bitter-sweet change.

The crisis is in the feeling that maybe I should be doing something more. I always thought I would have a plan in place before I got to this phase of life. A passion that had been waiting in the wings, finally able to have a turn. Songs to write and record, a PhD program to start, art classes to take, community college classes to teach. Something. But I haven't felt strongly about anything. I feel uninspired. I know I have talents I could cultivate, but why don't I feel a strong sense of direction?

Maybe I just need time to get my bearings. Anyone out there have a plan for this particular transition? Or been through it and survived, self-actualized and enriched?

happy birthday to me

I'm notorious for stretching my birthday out as long as possible. But just when I thought it was really over (two days after the fact, in fact), I came home to find my lawn covered with balloons, staked into the ground with lollipops. Thanks to all my loving friends and family for making me feel loved!

What a weekend. First, dinner with my parents. Then they babysat while Berkeley treated Mike and me to the next, next generation of Star Trek. Which I recommend with all my heart. Intelligent twists. Romance. Humor. This movie really delivers.


Then off to my sister's house in Bend. She knows me very well: tacos, banana cream pie, strawberry pie, a late night trip to Cold Stone to harass my niece at work.


Here we are, hiking in a lava tube, deep under the earth.

And an amazing new adventure. I feel bad blogging about it, because Sheryl should blog about her new toys herself. So I won't say much. But I'll just throw in a picture of myself, still hip and happenin' at 37:

Thanks, everyone! For the t-shirts, the earrings, the cookies, the balloons, the hanging basket, the saltwater taffy, the phone calls, the book, the pies, the cards, the kindness!

I really do feel loved. (By the way, this is your thank you card.)

good for nothin'

Did you ever take any pass/fail courses in college? There was a required Health class at BYU you could test out of on a pass/fail basis. I remember I was too cheap to buy the text book, so I went to the bookstore and sat there for quite awhile reading through it, then I headed straight to the test center to take the test. When I passed I remember wondering how much of a margin I had, in other words, how much time had I wasted learning things I didn't need to know. The concept of learning for the sake of learning was so far beyond my scope of understanding as an undergrad. Which is why I took any short cut I could ethically take to still get good grades. And which is why instead of attending free lectures and the international cinema, I was more often playing guitar or watching the Simpsons.

***

Maia and Sydney have been a distraction at cub scout pack meetings lately. Let's just say they are overly exuberant in their role as spectators. On our way to last night's pack meeting I told them IF and when refreshments were announced, they were both to look at me, and I would either nod my head yes, meaning they had been good and could each take ONE of whatever was offered, or I would shake my head no, meaning their behavior had been unacceptable. They both solemnly agreed. Sydney sweetly promised, "we'll just take ONE, ... IF they even have treats." Long pause and Maia asks Syd, "but what if we're good for nothing?"

Don't worry, they were good. They each got their cookie. But I am wondering, when will they be good for nothing?

tiny dancers

I know there is an unwritten rule that you are not supposed to compare your children (maybe it's even written--I should read more parenting books). But still I marvel at how different they can be, and yet how harmoniously they get along. My girls, for example, play off of each others' traits, and each shines in her own way. I just hope each feels fabulous about who she is.

Be patient with me. I adore these little dancers so I had to put some pictures and video up. Maia and Syd are in different classes but they have a lot of the same songs/costumes. Grandma and Grandpa will appreciate how well Sydney smiles and keeps up in the dances, because they got to see the sleepy version at dress rehearsal, when Syd was in a benadryl-induced stupor. She often comes across as shy and tentative, so I wasn't sure myself if she would get into dancing. It's so good for her! It makes her put herself out there. Maia, on the other hand...well, she's Maia. She bounced and skipped through the lullaby song.









First video, Syd is more or less in the center, pink skirt. Next video, she is in the green bandanna and green sash. Bottom video, Maia is the one racing around during the lullaby, "Baby Mine."