As this year of preschool comes to a close I can't believe how little I've accomplished on my to-do list for the year. I wanted to go through all the closets, the attic, the office, and get organized. I also wanted to get scrapbooks up to date. Now I have one more week, and nothing much to show for the year behind me. I did make long-overdue baby books for Sam and Syd, and my bedroom closet is pretty well sorted. My problem is that I have a hard time buckling down and doing loose, open-ended projects. I also have yet to get used to hanging around a quiet, empty house. I'm better at going to the gym, grocery shopping, and volunteering in the school. Bite-sized, on-the-go tasks.
I've been in a bit of an identity crisis. It's hard to explain. We heard that our elementary school might go to all-day kindergarten next year (Maia's first year at school!) and I felt thrown for a loop. It would mean I would have to face my future a year earlier than I thought--to figure out what I should be doing with that time. Believe me, I am not really disillusioned with a mirage of tons of free time. I know I'll still need to accomplish all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping--and I'm barely keeping up as it is. I'll just be doing all those things without my little Maia running circles around me, like a cyclone. It will be a bitter-sweet change.
The crisis is in the feeling that maybe I should be doing something more. I always thought I would have a plan in place before I got to this phase of life. A passion that had been waiting in the wings, finally able to have a turn. Songs to write and record, a PhD program to start, art classes to take, community college classes to teach. Something. But I haven't felt strongly about anything. I feel uninspired. I know I have talents I could cultivate, but why don't I feel a strong sense of direction?
Maybe I just need time to get my bearings. Anyone out there have a plan for this particular transition? Or been through it and survived, self-actualized and enriched?
16 comments:
You'll be fine.
Mom
I've been standing where you are standing before. What I have noticed is that the older your kids get, the busier you get. A good friend told me this when Makenzie was 5. I remember thinking, okay, all right, but not really getting it. Now I get it. I find myself filling my days with them, my children. The difference being that instead of them doing cyclones around my legs I am involved in their lives in other ways. And it's only getting busier.
Yep it only get busier. If you decide to get more involved with your kids.Or college classes or whatever. Don't worry when school starts again you will have a plan. It just seems to happen. So y advice is to lay low and let life flow. Slap a smile on our face and tighten your seat belt and enjoy the ride.
I've got friends my age that just adopted 2 kids from Liberia.
I think it's true that having a goal you're working towards adds happiness, be it waterfront coordinator certification, PhD, etc. I'm having fun with Zachary's scouts and Esther's running, but unfortunately that has to be at their pace.
Last week, our neighbor posted a beautiful blog entry about "Someday". The punch line was:
Someday, let me realise that it's all going by way too quickly, and when I look back at what Today has given me, let me be happy, that hopefully, I did it all with a smile on my face and joy in the moment.
Brenda, just know that I'm willing to part with one or two of mine if you're feeling lonely. Heehee!
I don't think you are asking for advice, but I'd vote for 'Burning Man' or voyages of personal discovery of that sort. Armchair traveling. Music appreciation courses (comparing Ben Folds covers to Cure originals). -Carl
Maybe you just need some time to figure it out-- leave it open and see what transpires? Maybe you aren't supposed to know right now which direction to go. I was given very specific advice about my life that certain things would be revealed to me when time comes to do those things.. not weeks, months and years in advance like I like to plan for. :o)
I LOVE your mom's advice. So brief and to the point. Awesome.
This makes sense to me now as I was wondering why you looked so panicked at that idea of Maia in full day school. I was jumping for joy at the thought!
I totally see where you are coming from because it wasn't until this past year, as you know, that I discovered my mission in life. It will come to you in time. Just keep praying to know and I'm sure doors will open. In the meantime you can get all those closets organized that you didn't do this school year during preschool. ;)
At 40 with my youngest finishing 4th grade, I've never felt busier. You still do the same amount of work, with less background noise. I've enjoyed taking an institute class the last four years, 12-step class the last year and a half, and exercising with friends five days a week. Between that, volunteering at two schools and a busy calling, I can't imagine doing any more "outside" the home. Whatever you decide to fill your time with, make sure some of it is for you!!!
I love your mom's comment.
Also, if you do Burning Man, you must blog about it in great detail! :)
The sudden news of full-day kindergarten would throw me for a loop as well! I can't quite imagine days with no kids at home (I think I'm still about 3 years away from that), but I can definitely see that big kids take a lot of time. I imagine spending the daytime regrouping and doing maintenance because with big kids the afternoons and evenings are so full--like right now I already feel I pretty much have to have dinner made before anyone comes home from school.
So last night someone asked Mark "what else" I do besides take care of kids. I kind of hate that question. Why should we feel that there must be "something else"? Running a family is definitely enough if that's what you want to do.
I can't wait to see what you decide so I can follow in your footsteps!
Oh wow. I will be in your shoes next year when Ivy goes to school. I had heard about the all day Kindergarten. I wonder if it will really happen. I think what Darilyn says is true...we will just become more involved in our kids lives in different ways. However, when Ivy starts school I do have a goal of going to beauty school and then opening a salon in our home. That would be the ideal for me. You'll find your path. I know you have so many talents and so many directions you could go. Now the exciting part is making a decision!
I appreciate all of the comments. I'm right behind you, Brenda and I'm thinking about it too! Don't feel guilty about anything...do what is right for you and take your time figuring it out!
I was hoping to get some good advice from your friends and family because I'm still trying to figure out what to do with this phase of my life after 3 years of having kids in school. Now I feel focused on our new phase (yours and mine) of having kids in highschool and only 4 years left to be a full time mom to them. That makes me want nothing more then to put my focus on them and not what amazing thing I could be doing for me. Being a mom is amazing enough and you're doing a great job at it.
Amen to what Tami says. I'll admit I always agree with anything she says. I don't think you'll have any trouble at all finding very worthwhile ways to fill your time. Like making me chocolate covered strawberries, or adorable hair flowers! You're the best!
I am thinking about that right now and I have 3 years before Kate starts kindergarten. I was trying to plan so if I needed school or something I could work on it and be done by the time she starts. I can't decided what I want to do either though because there are so many options. Carl says not to worry about it and things will work out. I have decided to trust him with that and just keep going and she what happens!
Good luck with the cleaning and organizing. You know me and how anal I am with all of that but I almost get a high when I have gone through and cleaned or organized something. Weird I know but I love it. I wish I could get paid to do that, go into people's house's and have complete control to clean up and puts things in their place!
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