Social networking has so many advantages for teenage kids. So do email and texting. I resisted letting these things into my son's life, but I quickly became a believer. For a kid who is inclined to crawl into his shell, getting texts and being "tagged" can work magic. It helps him feel included, helps him create his own identity, and gives him confidence navigating social situations.
Kids are less likely to get left out when it's so easy to contact everyone. Say a group is spontaneously going to walk home from school and stop for ice cream instead of riding the bus. It's so easy to text lots of people, including moms, to set the plan in motion. And it feels great not only to be included, but to have that means of independence.
Kids also get the chance to express themselves through their online identity. Berkeley found a dictionary definition of the word "pieless" (in our OED, of course) and used it as his profile picture for months. Not everyone gets his sense of humor, but he doesn't care. It feels safe to express it in that way whether people get it or not.
My favorite aspect of these modern innovations is the social practice they provide. Too young too date, but suddenly interested in friendships with the opposite sex, social networking, email and texting give "safe" ways to communicate comfortably, which will hopefully translate to confidence later on, face-to-face.
However, even though I see so many advantages for my son, I know that at that age, if I could have had access to such means it would have just added fuel to the fire. I was already somewhat inclined to inappropriate behavior for my age. I felt plenty included, I had buckets of identity, and I certainly didn't need "practice" being social. I would have needed serious limits with social networking, email and phone use.
So my question is this: how much should parents monitor these outlets? Sometimes I feel guilty peeking in on his private conversations, but I also feel like I have to. It's my job...right? After all, he might need help dealing with girls like...me. And where do you draw the line as a parent with things the kids are chatting about? Do you make your child delete friends for online bullying of other kids? Using the F-word? Anyone willing to share?
9 comments:
I don't know if you want my comments here because they might make a novel but I'll try to keep it brief. I too see the advantages of the things you are mentioning. Like Berkeley, Makenzie has had some of the same issues socially. She has been very shy in the past and with the help of Facebook and texting it has helped her overcome a lot of that and more willing to talk to people. I do however feel that we have a right and responsibility to check texts, emails and keep up with social networking like Facebook or Myspace or whatever. It can feel like a part time job in and of itself at times. I too felt a little weird at first always checking her texts. I felt like I was saying, " I don't trust you" even though that was not what I meant by it. But I was afraid that she would take it that way and it would ruin our trust issues. It has actually had the opposite effect though. Makenzie knows that we care about her and that we are not looking for "who is dating who" but for potentially harmful things that come in the way of texting when people see it as an easy way out of talking to people face to face. In fact, I have had a couple of instances when Makenzie was very anxious to have me check her texts. In so doing I found out that she wanted me to see something and she knew I would ask about it and it would enable her to talk about it. She didn't know quite how to bring up the subject herself but she wanted to talk about it once I brought it up. I was so grateful in those moments for texting and its ability to help us communicate. It can be dangerous, yes, but that is why we as parents need to monitor it and teach our children what is okay and not okay.
I knew it would be long, sorry!
When you were a teen I was counseled just to check up if I had suspicions. (Which I did.) I probably didn't soon enough. You know your son really well and I don't think you're in for any surprises. There could be a good conversation between you about what is harmful. And you need to know the lingo.
I think we can take a lesson from the cold war. Ronald Reagan said, "Trust but verify"...then Mikhail Gorbachev added, "...and limit screen time to 1 hour a day."
- Mike
i have no idea but let me know when you find the answer!!!!
My teen only dabbles in that type of thing, but I agree that's it's been good for him. (Also, wasn't the phone a HUGE part of your life when you were a teenager? Teen don't phone each other anymore!)
Sometimes I wish there was the "how too for (parent) dummies" book we could refer too. But, in my experience...Yes, checking in and checking up what our kids are doing, is important. I had a parent who didn't care much of what I did, and like you, Brenda...I took a walk on the wild side a little too often. I want my kids to know I love them and I care. And, can't say enough that the computer always stays in a high traffic area.
How about you get it all figured out for me before I have to worry about it. Right now the kids are still happy with pbs.org. I'm thinking that's pretty safe.
Great post, Brenda. I probably am not legal to comment here since clearly I am in the safety zone still with my kids too young for texting and facebook. Anyway, I agree with you and Darilyn. Better to err on the side of caution and like she said, it lets your kids know you care enough to intrude.
I haven't faced this yet either, but Rylie is begging me to let her get a Facebook account. I can see her getting so close to being in the full teen scene. It's scary! I have gone back and forth and back and forth on how much technology to allow into my kids lives. There are so many horror stories out there, but then I read something like this and can also see the benefits. I can see how kids that aren't allowed to use this new technology would lack self confidence and feel left out. And that's not good. I think it comes down to knowing who your kids are and what they are up to, even if that means checking into their "personal" e-mails, texts, etc. I would hope that like Makenzie, my kids would know that I check because I care. Rylie would be so ecstatic if I would cave and let her get a Facebook, but she's still 11. I think when she's 12 or 13 I might be more excited to let her into that scene.
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